Love Styles and Self-Discovery

     John Lee came up with six love styles that most people follow in some way in the late 70s and early 80s. Looking at them and studying them causes some legitimate self-realization on the way that one acts while in love.

     Eros- Heavily involves the passionate love discussed in a previous blog. Based on romance and physical attraction, the eros style enjoys commitment to their partner and, when translated literally, means "Love of Beauty". Eros lovers tend to choose there lovers through intuition and call them by pet names like "baby" and "sweetie". This love style is known to believe heavily in "love at first sight"and is seen by other love styles as a hopeless romantic who's stuck in a fantasy of the perfect lover. The hormones released in the brains of the eros cause a very intense bond between them and their partner that decays quickly. Literature that includes eros romance are Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet and Titanic.

     Ludus- A more nonchalant love style, ludus wants to have as much fun as possible. They do this through playing the field, sometimes having multiple partners at once. The ludus sees relationships and sex as a conquest of another person, often not showing their feelings to their partner to gain an advantage. This love style recovers quickly from break-ups, and sees marriage as a commitment trap. Despite this, the ludus often thinks that their partner having children is attractive seeing it as a sign of fertility in women and masculinity in men. In extreme cases, the ludus love style can become extremely jealous of their partner, or even become addicted to sex.

     Storge- A love for family. This type of love is often felt between siblings, parents, cousins, and spouses. This type has a strong need for loyalty to the family, and the responsibilities that go along with upholding that loyalty. The storge love style can develop through marriage or gradually from a close friendship. 

     Pragma- This is a very logical style of love. A pragma wants their partner to be as practical and beneficial to them as possible. The pragma wants their partner to be able to provide for them; financial stability, child care, home service, ect. This should not be seen as a negative style of love, because the practicality of the pragma's decision can make the relationship last longer. This style is often seen in developing countries, where surviving and marriage go hand in hand.

     Manic- The manic lover often puts their relationship and their partner in higher regard than themselves. They will feel as though they need their partner, and are more inclined to find a partner by chance than to find them by looking for desirable traits like the pragma. The manic is in danger of seeing their partner as aloof and uninterested when they don't return the extreme feelings that the manic conveys. This type of love can also result in obsession and possessiveness of the manic's partner, as displayed by John Hinckley Jr. Hinckley attempted to assassinate former U.S. president Ronald Reagan in 1981 in attempt to impress actress Jodie Foster. He was not convicted by reason of insanity.

     Agape- The altruistic lover. The agape love style wants to care for their partner, and enjoys giving in a relationship more than receiving and will stay faithful to their partner if for no other reason than to save their partner from pain. Post break-up, the agape lover will often patiently wait for their partner to come back to them. Their love is unconditional, and because of this the agape will often neglect their individual needs. Additionally, the actions of the agape can make their partner feel inadequate and guilty because they can't return their selfless acts to the agape. The agape are also easily taken advantage of, because they will give their entire being to their partner to make them happy. 

     Putting love into a box is not the intention of this project. However, seeing the way that one acts in association with other people can always assist in learning about the way their mind works.

Outline

Really, really, really rough outline. Like, pubic hair rough. And unfinished. Well, still being edited.

Introduction: love, love, romantic love.
     Romantic love, love it or hate it or don't care about it
     addictive and randomized
     Passion vs compassion
     Love styles
          Eros, Ludus, Storge, Pragma, Mania, Agape
     Science!
          Chemicals and the brain
          Helen Fisher
               Dopamine and the VTA
               cocaine-- addiction
               reward system
          Online Dating
               trail-and-error to math and algorithms
               Amy Webb
                    high standards
                    personalized algorithm
                    dishonesty
     Judgement
          Tendency to Judge in Dating
               Good or Bad?
     Literature
          Shakespeare
   
       

Passion is Dangerous

    "A state of intense longing for union with another. Passionate love is a complex functional whole including appraisals or appreciations, subjective feelings, expressions, patterned physiological processes, action tendencies, and instrumental behaviors. Reciprocated love (union with the other) is associated with fulfillment and ecstasy. Unrequited love (separation) with emptiness, anxiety, or despair" --Elaine Hatfield
     This is the danger of passionate love. It's beauty and the feelings it provides are unmatched, and activate the same parts of the brain as cocaine. At the same time, it can cause anxiety and agony at the same severity. This feeling often comes in the early stages of a relationship, and usually endures through years of a good marriage.
     Additionally, there is compassion. Lynne G. Underwood theorized that there are 5 main factors in compassionate love. They are free choice for the other, some degree of accurate cognitive understanding of the situation, the other, and oneself, valuing the other at a fundamental level, openness and receptivity, and response of the heart. Compassionate love creates lasting bonds, and is found more often in long-term relationships.

     Compassion can be created in new relationships too, provided both partners can make these aspects factors in their relationship.
     Free choice for the other. The "other" here meaning the other person in your relationship. This means to not be possessive of your partner. Don't make them feel as though they have to ask you for permission before making a personal decision. Trust them enough that jealousy doesn't control your relationship.
     Some degree of accurate cognitive understanding of the situation, the other, and oneself. This is to comprehend what kind of relationship you're in, and how both you and your partner feel about the relationship. Awareness of yours and your partners feelings in general is crucial.
    Valuing the other at a fundamental level. This is  feeling as though your significant other is worth it; your time, money, energy. Worth everything that goes into having a good relationship.
     Openness and receptivity. This is making sure that both partners are open to expressing how they feel in any situation. Also that both are open to listening to each other without jumping to conclusions, getting upset, or judging their partner.
     Response of the heart. This is the feeling of romance. Anyone could follow all these steps to a T and it wouldn't matter if both partners don't feel something for each other.

     Passion is still important, so to say that it should be avoided altogether would be incorrect. Passionate love keeps a love life exciting and new and enduring throughout many years. That being said don't allow passion to get in the way of your and your partner's wellbeing. Allow the excitement of passion to coexist with the awareness of compassionate love. 

Loving Yourself is Most Important

     After trusting too many people, one runs out of trust. Even the idealist who thinks everything and everyone is beautiful and perfect and without fault, detaches. The bed becomes a haven and the outside world becomes a cave of dysphoria. One learns a lot about themselves in this state. Some become trapped there. 

     Some hate what they are. But that is their choice.

     It never feels like a choice, and the more people say that it's a choice, the more the affected party wants to curl up and die over it. But attitude is a choice, even if it's a difficult one.

     Start with pretending, because one doesn't actually feel confident and happy and trusting and secure. But they can always smack on a damn smile and face the world like it's not the scariest and most dangerous place in existence. Pretend that every person they meet doesn't have to ability of ripping their heart out. The important part of this: Only project this on the outside. Inside, they must stay aware of their own feelings and their sense of who other people are. Accept that they dont want to trust someone, and do it anyway.
     Eventually, one detaches their self worth from others. And with that comes truly enjoyable relationships in which two people don't rely on each other to mean something to themselves.

Maddy: Pictures from the Phone of a Teenage Girl

Teenage Girls in the Prospect of Romantic Love

     There is a good chance that one who surrounds themselves with young women who were sexually abused at a young age don't have the best perspective on how the average young woman reacts to romantic love.
     Depending on how those young women responded to their abuse will determine how they handle romance. For some it makes future prospects of sexual-romantic love scary and unapproachable. Others turn to abusive partners because it's familiar.
     This project is not about "The Science of Love" or anything of the sort. This is a philosophy based on real-life experiences of many people. Some will be the abused and some will be the abuser and who's who will not always be inherently clear, such is life.
     The following is a TedTalk from the point of view of a woman we was routinely abused by a partner and refused to leave.

Romantic Love Cave

  I recently wrote an essay for my Major Writers class that applied so heavily to this project that it actually hurt a little bit. I figured I should put it here. So yeah.

Allegory of Love

“Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”- Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter. Often, finding the light in a situation can be the hardest part, as it is in “The Allegory of the Cave” by Plato. The same can be said about love, where too often finding the way out of obsession and perfectionism caused by the given views of heterosexual relationships can be scary, and impossible for some people. If one were to find a way out themselves though, what would happen as an effect?

Discovering the world as a cave is the most shocking part. The shadows on that walls are movies and television, and they’ve been there since infancy depicting the perfect couple. There’s never a disagreement to be had, they live together, and love each other with everything they have. The man provides for his lover and always knows exactly what she needs to hear. The woman cares for him, blindly accepting any flaws he may have unless it has to do with another woman. In the chains are young people, usually girls and women whose hearts flutter at the idea of having one of these relationships.

Suddenly, the light. Comfort, joy, completeness, all provided independently by a person for themselves. The idea that a relationship happens when two people enjoy a trusting relationship where they can enjoy their time together as much as their time apart. The endeavor commences in assent. Breaking the habits of wondering where they are and who they’re with at all times isn’t an easy feat, but making it through is worth it. Being happy to have a night alone is a joy, and having a night with them is just  an added bonus. Relationships become less stressful.

But there she is. She’s so sad, he hasn’t texted her back all day and she’s wondering if he’s cheating on her. One would want to tell her about this discovery. She doesn’t need to feel this way, and just needs to trust him and communicate with him and everything will feel so much better. She doesn’t need to rely on him for happiness, she just needs to be told that, and it will make everything better for her. The dissent is a dangerous one, though. The allure of obsessive love and the butterfly nerves it brings is addicting to say the least, but make it through for her. It can be done, for the sake of a friend.  Telling her makes her angry. She thinks that anyone saying such things is trying to break her and her beloved up. All this work for nothing but the loss of a friend. Staying out of the cave is now determined to be the best option.

So perhaps Dumbledore was right in a way. All that some people need in a place of darkness is to turn on the light, then they might see the world for what it is. Although, maybe some people need to learn to turn on the light themselves to see it properly.